I Will Never Deserve You
by Alwaysthestars
Summary: What use are emotions if you will not save the woman you love? Rose, Nine, and the Dalek's accusation. Post-Dalek, slightly AU since I took Adam out of the picture. Title's rubbish, I apologize. Rated T for my paranoia.


**So the gist of this is after leaving the museum Rose remembers the words of the Dalek from the bunker **_**what use are emotions if you will not save the woman you love**_** and she questions the Doctor about them. It goes from there, as both of them can't quite admit the feelings they have for the other. No smut, though the closest I've ever gotten. (which isn't exactly saying anything. I've never written anything at all **_**close**_** to smut before.) So. Enjoy? Slightly AU since I took Adam out of the picture. Hopefully no one minds, since he was such a moron anyway. :p **

Rose stared into the center console as the TARDIS dematerialized from the museum in Utah, her face bathed in the now-familiar green glow. Blinking several times, she struggled to keep her eyes open. After the day's events, all she wanted was to curl up in her bed and go to sleep for an entire day. Every bone in her body ached, and her muscles felt like overstretched rubber bands from all the running and adrenaline.

The Doctor's voice came from the other side of the console. "So what you think of spendin' a little time up here in the vortex, hey? After a day like that? Get a good night's sleep before our next adventure, and I've got a few repairs to make on the TARDIS." He peeked his head around when she didn't answer. "Rose?"

She yanked herself out of her trance and looked at him. "Yeah. Sorry, that sounds great, fine."

"Rose?" He stepped around the captain's chair and approached her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." Just as the words left her mouth, though, her mind involuntarily ran through the day's events. Meeting Van Statten and Adam, learning about the "metaltron" and then coming face to face with the Dalek for the first time. Then the destruction and murder as the Dalek broke its way out of its cell and made its way through the complex and its series of tunnels.

She had an entirely new view on the word _exterminate._

The word echoed in her head in the voice of the mutation monster, causing a shudder to run the length of her body.

Of course he noticed. "Hey, Rose…" Stepping close, the Doctor put his arms around her and pulled her against his chest, her head tucking in under his chin. At the contact her muscles released and she slumped against him. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

She squeezed her eyes shut against more visions, fisting her hand in the soft leather of his jacket lapel. "There was no way you could've known."

"I should've. The TARDIS gettin' pulled off course like that, I should've. Van Statten should have let me kill it on sight, in that cell." His voice became hard, the hardness sharpened further by the pain she knew his regret was causing him.

"Hey, shush now," she pulled back just enough to look him in the eye. "If it hadn't been for you, yes all those people would still be alive. But that's not on your hands. That's not your burden to bear. That's Van Statten's—or, well, what's left of him." Her mouth quirked as she remembered the memory wipe. "But so don't you go tryin' to take that upon yourself. Thanks to you, the rest of humanity's alive. So remember that." She flattened her palm on his chest, feeling one of his hearts pumping under her fingers.

He looked down at her, his blue eyes softening as they met her brown ones. He smiled, tucking her head back against his shoulder. "Thank you, Rose." Adjusting his arms, he gently pressed a kiss to the top of her head. The breath she was in the middle of letting out stuck in her throat at the contact, a little hitching sound escaping instead. She should be used to the contact by now; he was so casually touchy anyway, but for some reason her nerves were starting to tingle even with the simple gesture.

Smoothing out a crease her hand had made in his jacket, she paused, then slowly ran her hand under the leather and across his chest. The wool of his olive jumper scratched at her skin, but she barely noticed. As her fingers started to find the planes and contours of his chest she felt him start to tense, waiting for him to tell her to stop. His hands, tucked as they were around her back, tangled a bit with her hoodie as he clenched his fingers. She knew she should stop, but couldn't make herself. She just had an overwhelming need to touch him.

_You're tired._ She told herself. _Concentrate, your mind's starting to wander places it shouldn't._

As if he'd heard her thoughts, the Doctor suddenly disengaged from their embrace and stepped out of reach. She saw him take a deep breath—a steadying breath?—before speaking. "You must be tired, yeah? That was quite the day we had. I'd imagine you'd want to get some rest." He tried to be lighthearted and jokey, but there was something in his eyes, simmering just below the surface. It made her shiver.

"Yeah, yeah I am," she replied with a small smile. And she was. But her heartbeat was picking up again, and this time not from fear.

What had changed? Why now, all of a sudden, was there something different in the air between them? They shared post-victory and comforting hugs all the time, countless hand holds and casual contact. She looked at him closely—he'd backed away, leaning against the console, absentmindedly playing with a bit of wiring. He seemed to sense it too—well, of course he did. Nothing ever escaped him. She tried unsuccessfully to catch his eye, hoping for an answer, for a reason.

Then suddenly,

_What use are emotions if you will not save the woman you love?_

Of course. The Dalek's accusation had shocked her. Only recently had she even admitted to her_self_ that she was developing feelings for this broken, big-eared, marvelous man, and then only in the privacy of her journal. He had no clue how she felt, so of course an alien couldn't have known. But the Dalek's statement hadn't been _the woman who loves you;_ it was _the woman you love._ So that meant…could he really… And how had the Dalek known?

She looked up at him again, jumping when she realized he'd already been looking at her, his blue eyes like ice and yet exuding a warmth she could feel slowly reaching every bone in her tired body. She swallowed, the question she had been hoping to ask sitting stagnant on her tongue. It was begging to be asked, but was she brave enough?

_Fool. You've faced down Slitheen, living, walking plastic shop dummies, a trigger-happy Dalek just today, but you don't have the guts to ask a simple question?_ Her right hand became a fist, her fingernails digging into her palm. _No, no I don't, because this question is more than life or death. _If her theorey was right, they would have to deal with the consequences of it, but if she was wrong, she would have to deal with _those _consequences, ones that likely included being kicked out of the TARDIS for good.

Slowly and with considerable effort she gathered her courage, noticing as she did so he seemed to be steeling himself as well, becoming as stiff and still as a statue like he knew what was coming. It was likely he did. "D-" her throat convulsed, and she swallowed to clear it before continuing. "That Dalek, today…when I was outside the bunker doors… It was trying to get the door open, and it said…" She was unable to finish. She watched him closely, his eyes becoming hard and mask-like, a muscle in his jaw tightening. She saw anger in his face, clearly, but something like a guarded vulnerability there behind the anger. Like there was more there than he wanted her to see.

"That Dalek…" he broke off, the muscle in his jaw twitching. "That Dalek was trying to find my weak spot, to pressure me into opening the door and to give it what it wanted." So bitter, he was. But yet, she remembered how his face had looked on the screen, when he saw she was alive and all right, that she hadn't been killed via extermination. How it had glowed with overwhelming joy, nearly palpable even though they were separated by so much distance. So then, _was_ the Dalek right? _Had_ it's little mutant brain found the Doctor's weakness?

She looked him in the eye now, squarely, searching for the answer. She still didn't _quite_ have the courage to ask it aloud, but she was about to take the plunge anyway when she saw something in his eyes shift into place. He took one, measured step forward.

"Don't say it, Rose." His voice was quiet but layered with seriousness. Her heart, tired as it was, suddenly kicked up a few more notches. It felt like it was stuck just below her larynx.

"How…"

"It's all over your face." He crossed his arms, looking at her. She just looked right back at him, knowing he knew what she was thinking but still thinking what she liked. It was like a staring contest for nearly 20 seconds before he blinked and sharply inhaled, turning his back on her and placing both hands on the console as if for support. She saw the tension in him, could feel it radiating off of him in waves, and she knew he was fighting something.

The seconds ticked by and still he didn't speak. _Um, hello?_ She thought. Her anger spiked suddenly, sharply, and for apparently no reason at all she was suddenly furious with him. Why wouldn't he _speak?_

"So you're just going to stand there. What, so I get nothing? Apparently what I have to say doesn't even deserve an answer from you, Mister Time Lord." Her veins hummed with the anger now, but with something else, too. He still didn't move. "Fine. I'm going to bed." She snapped, turning for the door. Before she could take three steps, though, he abruptly about-faced and advanced towards her. Rose found herself stepping back, pushed into retreat by all the might of a Time Lord.

She jolted to a halt when her back ran into the railing, having to grab onto it with both hands to avoid stumbling. And still he advanced, stopping barely more than a foot away from her.

She stared at him defiantly, trying to ignore the sudden and intense warming sensation his stare was causing in her body. "What do you think you're doing?" She tried to sound tough, but her voice quavered on the last word and didn't quite make it. Not that she was afraid of him, but it was like her brain had gone soft, making it seem like she was losing control of her faculties.

"It's never occurred to you, Rose, has it, that there might be another side to this. That maybe there's a reason for my silence. But no, you just want an answer, no matter what, typical human. Always just blundering on, not thought to the consequences." He paused and she opened her mouth in protest of his rude words, but he kept talking. "Well guess what? What if maybe, just maybe I say nothing because I don't want to do something I'll regret?"

Her anger had been building throughout his little speech but his last words brought her to a halt like a slap in the face. "What do you mean, something you'll _regret?"_ Her words clawed through the air, and when she saw the abrupt flash of hurt in his eyes she wished she could take them back. He was silent for a moment. When he did continue, his voice still held all the anger but something else, too.

"I'm nine hundred years old, Rose. But never in all those years, in all my travels, have I seen someone like you. All pink and soft edges and human-y. And I'm an _alien_, Rose." He paused, looking strangely guarded, looking off to his right. It was vulnerability, she realized, that he'd been hiding from her, becoming angry in the hiding. He was _vulnerable._ His voice became small. "I'm an alien."

"Oh Doctor…" Her hand came up to cover her mouth. All at once, she understood. She wasn't the only one who had been hiding feelings. That Dalek had been right. She met his eyes, his so full of deep-seated sadness it broke her heart. Slowly, she reached up and placed her hand on his cheek; he flinched ever so slightly but then relaxed. She steadily kept the eye contact, wanting him to know she understood.

He also raised his hand, tentatively as if he was afraid, placing it gently on her hair. The contact made a slight shiver run through her, and she noticed his eyes sharpened as he registered it. Slowly his hand slid down her hair, and when it reached the end he lifted it back up, stroking it. She found herself leaning ever so slightly into the contact. They had shared casual contact before, hugs and hand-holding, but this was different. In a flash of clarity she saw it coming before he moved—slowly, incrementally, he leaned forward and rested his forehead on hers, never breaking eye contact.

All at once it was like her whole world became him. He was all she saw, all she heard, his smell, his touch, his warmth enveloping her like a blanket. "Doctor…"

He gave no reply, merely lowered his head and ran his nose along her temple. She just gave a tiny whimper. His breath ghosted across her cheek as he chuckled, bringing his other hand up to her waist. "D-." She started to say his name again but he stopped her.

"Shush, Rose." When his lips finally met hers, Rose had to fist her hand in his jumper to keep her balance, even though she was squished between his body and the railing. She let out a soft, tiny sigh as he slowly, gently caressed her lips with his, agonizing in the slowness. The hand that wasn't in his shirt moved almost on its own up to his hair, where it ran back and forth over the short, soft strands, a move that made him moan into her mouth. Soon both of her hands were in his hair, on his face, cradling it. The warmth spreading through her body was quickly becoming heat.

He pulled back a little, pausing to breathe, and met her eyes. She sensed the question in his eyes, wondering if this was really what she wanted, if she really wanted him or if all of this was just a fluke, a mistake. "Oh Rose…" he whispered. He sounded a little choked up, almost a little overwhelmed. To reassure him, Rose just pressed her lips to his again, needing to taste him, but he pulled back again almost right away, shutting his eyes and pressing his forehead to hers.

"Doctor, what's…?"

"How, Rose. How can you ever choose me," he asked, his eyes still squeezed shut. Her breath hitched in her throat—he really didn't believe he deserved her. It was her job to show him that the opposite was true, that she didn't deserve him.

"You hush." For emphasis she pressed another soft kiss to his lips. Now that they had shared that contact it was like she couldn't stop. "You are the most marvelous, amazing, incomprehensible man I've ever met. You've shown me things that I could barely dream about before I met you. Don't you go sayin' you don't deserve me. If anythin', I don't deserve _you._"

He shook his head, eyes wide. "No. No, Rose. I'm a _murderer,_ an alien murderer. I should not have taken you with me, you shouldn't be here. You almost died today, and it would've been my fault. I would have had to tell your mother, would've had to live with that for the rest of my life… I have to keep you safe, Rose, and if that involves taking you home where you belong, then that's what it takes."

"No! Doctor, please no. You don't get to make that decision for me, it's not your place. The choice was mine. You offered to take me along and at first I said no, right? I turned you down. But then you came back, I made up my mind and joined you. I could have asked to be taken home at any time, after any of the times I've come close to death. But I haven't. And do you know why? Because you show me every day that there's more to life than what I was living before. My life was fine, it was nice, it wasn't anything special but I was content. But then you showed up, just turned up in the basement of Henrick's and made me realize that this universe is so much bigger than the tiny little section of London that was my world before. And I don't ever want to give that up. So don't you say I'm better off at home because I'm not. My place is here, with you, and that's never gonna change."

He looked at her his fear becoming wonder, light seeming to spill from his eyes. "Oh Rose…" His face split into that wide, dorky grin she loved so much and then he was kissing her again. This was not at all like their first kiss, soft and tentative. This was passionate, a kiss that made her feel like she was suffocating in the best way possible and sending tingles up and down her arms. His breath hiccupped against her face as she nipped at his lip, and then his tongue was twining with hers in a move that made her knees go weak. It went on and on, even when her body began to beg for air she didn't want to stop. She finally pulled back just enough to catch a breath, one that was quickly stolen from her again when she saw his blue eyes turned dark with desire. His hand slid down her arm, making her quake with feeling, and he took her hand. Bending down, he trailed light kisses down her throat, to the base of her ear and then his mouth met hers again.

"Doctor…" she sighed into his mouth, drowning in all this feeling.

He pulled back to look into her eyes again, a question there. This was not a hesitant question like it had been, but one of confirmation. Asking if she was ready for this, if it was truly what she wanted. He was being so considerate about this new step in their relationship; it was unexpected, but yet Rose knew she couldn't really have expected him to be any other way. She took his free hand with hers, twining their fingers together, and met his eyes. She answered his question with a small nod. Once more he rested his forehead on hers, meeting her eyes with a smile, and then led her by their joined hands from the console room to his bedroom.

**Hopefully I didn't torture y'all with this. I honestly have no idea if it's good or not; took me three weeks of steady writing to even get it out and it's been in my head for months. Troublesome beastie, this one. So reviews would be appreciated, let me know if you liked it or if it's actually just total rubbish. Thank you! **


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